A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Thursday, 27 June 2013

What have i done to deserve all this? (27/6/2013)

I'm back to blogging again today..

It was really a great day today, well spent with my bf...i was happy that i could actually spend the whole day out with him without spending a single cent.. hahah

I came home feeling very tired, exhausted and depress... mum told my Sab earned around 300+ from the 1st batch of clothing's... such easy money...all she has to do is keep record of the stuff she sells and make the order and banking in money... i always notice things come to her so easily... The moment she left high school, mum accepted her bf, she is allowed to go out with him anytime she wants.. She's smart therefore the good result eventho i know it comes with handwork but def not as much handwork as i put into..
I worked so hard trying to achieve great results, forced myself to not let anyone down, forced myself to be discipline in order to try to get the scholarship...i managed all those but at the end of the day, i'm still the one in despair...
I can't even date the guy that i want to date becoz my mum thinks there isn't any hope... All the lies and hiding i have to do..it's so bloody tiring, it's so depressing and most of all it's so heartbreaking having to keep lying..

I started heavy duty work since i was 14, trying to earn money to enjoy a little...just a little..i mean what can u do with only rm 30 or rm 60 from the weekend job u do which prolong for like at least 6 hour each day...

And now working as a swim instructor...i basically use the money i earn to buy stuff that i want and i need...i never bother asking for extra coz i know how my family condition is at the moment...

To amend to all the lies i made...i tried to be more filial towards my parents but things just doesn't turn out well, mum always interrogate me regarding who i goes out with and all.. she said she knows that i'm lying..
What more can i do... she doesn't know how much that hurt me.. knowing that my sis get things so easily and i worked so hard on the other hand, yet she gets all the praise in the world and yet i don't even get her trust...

No one actually knows how many times i've thought of suicide throughout my life...
I just don't know anymore sometimes... i find it so hard to even breath... 
The only thing that kept me going is knowing that i still have such a loving bf that is trying very hard for me..

It will all be okay the moment he earns a stable income, and i cannot ask for more after that...
All i need now is my mum's approval on my choice of partner in life...

Sincerely,
A very tired god's child..

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